Green-Eyed Shield
by LIFE the RANGER
Summary: Kendall thought his and James' relationship was perfect, but James decided not so much. After the break up, Kendall turns to an unconventional ways of dealing with the pain. But will anyone figure it out, or is there always going to be a shield in the way? Rated M for later content and themes and languages.
1. Chapter 1

_Kendall tried not to show James the hurt in his eyes by shielding them. James, for his part, said nothing to indicate he cared in any way for the blonde's feelings, which just made it sting more. He thought they'd been happy together. Over the last six months, it had been the happiest of his life. It seemed like nothing could break up the dynamic duo. But out of the blue, two months before they were to spend seven months together, James sent Kendall a vague message saying to meet him in the park just in front of Sherwood Forest, a favorite spot of theirs. Figuring it was an early surprise; Kendall wasted no time getting there. It was only a short bike ride from his house (he didn't have a license or a car) and today he took it in less than three minutes, a new personal best._

_"Hey James," the blonde greeted with a huge grin. Rather than his usual dazzling white smile, James remained solemn, arms crossed. Kendall knew that was out of character for James, as he was normally pretty happy. "What is it baby?" he asked, concern now replacing any bubbly feelings he had before arriving._

_ "Kendall…" James began, and Kendall felt his heart drop. No conversation that started like that was ever good. "Sorry Kendall, but I don't think this is going to work anymore. We had a good run, but…" The brunette never got to finish. Shaken with shock and rage, Kendall grabbed James by both shoulders and shook him violently. James eyes about rolled into the back of his head. _

_ "No!" Kendall shouted. "You can not do this! I forbid you!" Finally regaining his senses, James pried the blonde off of him. They stood that way for the longest time, the brunette gripping the blonde's wrists in a vice-like grip and both looking into each other's eyes. The blonde saw no remorse in the brunette's eyes, not even a tinge of sadness. Suddenly swept up in a tsunami of emotions, Kendall escaped his ex-boyfriend's grip and twisted away, fighting the tears. The brunette didn't even try to call out to him. So it really was over. No more dynamic duo. _

…

That happened almost three months ago. James was now happily dating Logan Mitchell, a boy Kendall never even heard of until they started dating. Logan apparently played hockey and chess in his free time, attended all honor roll classes, and participated in science bowls. Basically, he was James' dream genius. No wonder he wanted to ditch the old and go with the new. It was clearly smarter than the blonde ever could be.

On that happy thought, Kendall took a swig from the glass bottle he held clutched in his fist. He didn't even know what it was anymore. He thought it was tequila, but it could be whiskey, or even beer. Every drink ever drunk sort of blended together after that. Kendall turned to the bottle shortly after James dumped him. Truthfully, he'd always been sort of unstable, but that opened a dam to feelings Kendall never even knew existed.

"Shit," he said, noticing the time on his small alarm clock. He rolled off his bed and trudged over to his mirror. He had everything he needed to get himself ready for school. Picking up his eye drops, he studied his reflection in the mirror. Red, puffy eyes, shallow, lifeless skin, and limp, almost white hair greeted him. He pried his eyelids open slightly and dropped a couple drops in. In that instant, the redness disappeared and the puffiness died down. There was little he could do for his skin, so he left it the way it was. Using a touch up color, he made it back to his usual blonde self. He sure looked different.

School was hell. There was no way else to say it. In every class, every hallway, any word spoken by everyone's mouths, reminded him of the love he could never have. James and Logan were Sherwood High's cherished couple; loved by all and accepted by many. It made Kendall sick to his stomach to even think about them. But he had to get by somehow. He just couldn't miss whole days of school, weeks on end. It would be easier to just drop out, but Kendall's mom would be disappointed with him, and facing her every day was worse than dealing with James and Logan.

Kendall was going through withdrawal all through school. He relied on the bottle while he was at home to drown his sorrows and hide his emotions. While he was at school, he couldn't have any of his liquid escape. In all fairness (or perhaps not) he could slip some into a water bottle. But that was the oldest trick in the book, and any teacher worth their money would check. So he forced himself to get through a full school day without it. He practically shook by the time he arrived home.

"Hey Kendall?" Kendall closed his eyes and prayed James wasn't really behind him, trying to talk to him. "Kendall I know you can hear me. Please, we need to talk. We haven't said anything to each other since _that_ night. You know what I'm talking about." Kendall did know. But he wanted nothing to do with this conversation, or anything that might follow it. "Kendall, I know you hate this. But Logan is really nice; you should come hang with us sometime. I know you'd like him if you gave him a chance." That did it. Kendall whirled around and lurched towards the brunette, grabbing him by the shirt.

"I do not want to spend any time with you or that fucker of a boyfriend you have," he slurred. He released the brunette, and he back-pedaled fast. Kendall seemed to realize what he did. "James I…I…I'm gonna go." He wheeled around before James could say anything, and dashed off down the hall. He couldn't take one more second in that school.

…

Kendall felt the beginnings of a hangover, even though it was only four in the afternoon. He came home around noon to an empty house, which suited him just fine. Hunting down his amber friend, he immersed himself in the sweet escape. At least for a little while. All good things come to an end eventually. Groaning, he sat up and rubbed his temples, then smeared a hand over his face. Katie, his little sister, would be home any minute, with his mom close behind. He couldn't let them see him like this. He shoved all the empty cans and bottles under his bed, where he had an impressive collection already. He did his morning ritual at four, and he added breath mints to the mix. He changed his clothes so he didn't have any wet spots or puke stains anywhere. He began a load of laundry to seem like he was doing something worthwhile. He did some dishes, dusted the shelves in the living room, and straightened up everything in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth while he was in there, and afterwards ran a comb through his blonde hair so it wouldn't cover his eyes (he'd let it grow while dating James, and had no heart to cut it). Just in time too. He heard the door slam, followed by the sounds of his mom and Katie laughing.

"Holy mother of…" Katie began. Kendall smiled to himself and stepped out of the bathroom. Mama Knight was looking around in disbelief.

"Did you clean up while we were out?" she asked. Kendall gave an off-handed shrug and flashed her his newly brushed pearly-while teeth. She smiled. "Thank you Kendall. It's nice to come home to a responsible boy and a clean house when I come home." She gently kissed his cheek, and he blushed. "Go to your room for awhile and relax okay? Katie and I will start dinner." Katie groaned but made no move to argue with their mom. Kendall sauntered down the hall to his room, closing his door softly behind him. He slumped against the door and stared in dismay at the cans and one lone vodka bottle peeking out from under his bed.

"She really doesn't know," he said, reaching into his dresser and pulling out a small shot glass and a bottle of tequila. He poured himself a shot and downed it before he could talk himself out of it. "No one does." He flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. "Not Katie, not Mama Knight, not James. Not anybody." He took a swig right from the bottle (no worm) and let it fall to the floor. "I am truly alone in this one."

…

James just knew there was something wrong with Kendall, and while he was with Logan that night, he couldn't get the blonde out of his head. Logan sensed something was amiss, and as he toyed with James hair (he was the only one who could get away with that) he turned so he was looking James in the eye.

"It's Kendall isn't it," he said. "I know there's something more than meets the eye. Has he been exactly right since your break up." James winced. Logan was the one that brought it up, but it was always a sore subject. The ravenette became quiet, and James pulled him closer.

"I don't really regret what I did. He loved me, but I never felt the same way." Logan listened patiently. "Its just…he was one of my best friends. I know there's something wrong, I just don't know what it is." Logan leaned against the brunette and said nothing. But nothing needed to be said. The brunette was just happy for the ravenette's presence. "You know Logan, our three month anniversary is coming up. Why don't we go do something special? Say," the brunette added, pulling out a couple of tickets. "Hockey game at the Dome." Logan squealed and grabbed at the tickets. James smiled and pulled them away. "Calm down baby. It isn't for a few weeks. It took most of the money I earned working double shifts at the store but its so worth it." The ravenette smiled and they began a full-blown make-out session on the couch.

…

Kendall groaned and rolled over. Nursing a headache, he'd woken in the middle of the night to a hammer pounding on his head. He found himself still clutching the vodka bottle. It was a cold day in hell indeed.

…

_Well what did you think? Good or not? R&R!_


	2. Chapter 2

Hiya BTR lovers. Hope you enjoy. I suck at updating normally so this is a treat

…

Kendall hated going to school after a long night of puking into the trashcan by his bed, but he had to so his mom wouldn't ask questions. He couldn't say he didn't feel well, nor could he just not show up like some people. So he forced himself through another day. Vodka worked wonders as headache medication, but the after-affects were brutal. But as long as he could stand the pinpricks for a couple of hours, it hardly mattered. He felt hung-over by school anyway.

"Kendall!" Kendall jerked back to reality as the teacher glared daggers at his unresponsive body. His mind had other things to think of, such as the water bottle of vodka, a personal favorite, in his locker. Vodka, he learned, gave of virtually no pungent odor nor did it leave a bad smell on his breath.

"Yes?" he slurred, trying to keep his speech as even as possible. There was no point in tipping off that he was pretty much drunk (and if he wasn't, he certainly felt that way). The teacher frowned and studied him critically. Kendall wanted to fold in half and hide under his desk, but he forced himself to remain still and meet her even gaze.

"To the councilor's office," she said, pointing to the door. Grumbling, the blonde gathered his things and headed out of the open door. She closed it behind him and he made his was down to Councilor Roque's office. Why this guy was a councilor, the blonde hadn't the slightest. This guy despised children so much, the blonde was surprised he hadn't been fired already. He treated every child in this school like they were a contagious disease, and if he got too close he'd catch their obvious stupidity.

"Ah, Kendall Knight," he said without even looking up from his paperwork cluttered on his desk. "You're teacher called me and said you'd be coming. Take a seat." Was this Councilor Roque? He seemed like a pretty easygoing man to the blonde. Not stern, but not to soft either. The blonde sat down in a very plush looking beanbag chair, the only place for him to sit. A quick glance around Councilor Roque's office showed knickknacks of every kind, from college memorabilia to album covers from famous band. It was a rather cozy kind of space. "So Kendall," Councilor Roque said, twining his fingers together. "I can smell your breath from here. It's not noticeable unless you really concentrate. What seems to be bothering you?"

"Um excuse me?" the blonde said, crossing his arms. Trying to act touch lost all luster when you were in a beanbag chair though. "I thought you were really though with students? It's nothing against you; you just have a persona around school as someone who hates anything that's over sixteen and breathes." Councilor Roque chuckled.

"Oh do I?" he said, apparently finding the news to be quite humorous. "You kids and your silly imaginations. I can be tough, but only on those who absolutely need it. Stupidity and immaturity run very deep in some students. But you, well, you've been on a slow but gradual downhill slide. I don't feel you need someone yelling at you. Just someone to talk to. Am I right?" Kendall had to swallow the lump in his throat before he responded.

"Pretty much," he choked out. "See it all started when my ex-boyfriend, James, broke up with me…"

…

At the end of the school day, Kendall felt a little better. With some things off his chest, he didn't feel like the weight of the sky would crush him at any given moment. Councilor Roque listened patiently until the blonde said all he could say. He had another appointment set up for tomorrow, for a majority of the day. The councilor seemed to sense his need of change in his otherwise boring routine. On the way out from the office, he literally ran into James. The collision startled him so much, he sat down hard on the seat of his pants, staring at the brunette in dazed fascination.

"Oh Kendall," the brunette said, offering his hand to help the blonde up. Declining, the blonde rose and stared the brunette in the eye. "Sorry about that. Logan text me to meet him; says it's urgent and…" James trailed off as he saw the neutral expression on the blonde's face. "Oh, uh…" James shifted his weight and kept looking at the blonde, making him uncomfortable. "Well, I better get going," the brunette finally said, turning and leaving. The blonde watched as the once love of his life vanished around the corner.

…

"James baby, what's wrong?" Logan said when he saw the worried expression on his boyfriends face. "Did you run into Kendall again?" Glumly, the brunette nodded. "And?" Logan practically squeaked, wanting to juicy details.

"He was in Councilor Roque's office," he said. "Just like you suggested. He was coming out when I walked by. We collided, and I think it stunned him more than anything. He wasn't hurt or anything," he added, as the ravenette opened his mouth to question him. "Just kind of dazed. I babbled on about you, and he gave me a blank expression. I know he heard me. Is he hiding his feelings Logie?" Logan, as smart as he was, had no answer for this.

"I don't know James," he said. "I really don't know. He must be, somehow. The question now is how is he doing it." James gave a half-shrug. He'd been wondering the same thing.

"Good question," he said. "Kendall's always been a bit unstable; when we dated for those brief months, he told me I was the only thing keeping him from losing it." Logan frowned at James, something he wasn't use to. "What?" he demanded.

"And yet you left him?" Logan questioned, making the brunette wince. "You knew he was emotionally unstable, and yet you left him and dropped a bombshell like that? Who does that?" James sighed. He knew one day he'd have to face Logan down on this, and he'd rehearsed it many times.

"Because Logan," he said lowly and evenly. "I never really loved him, and I didn't want to keep leading him on to a dead-end relationship. By then I discovered I really loved you, not him." Wrapping his arms around the ravenette's waist, the brunette pulled him close. The ravenette was too stunned to say anything. "Please Logan, I know what I did may sound wrong, but you have to believe me on this. I did what was right for the both of us. He deserves someone who can love him with a whole heart and body. We were good friends, and for a while we made a cute couple. But I knew that it wasn't going anywhere." Logan listened in shocked silence. He had never heard the story of why they broke up, and it was intriguing to say the least. "I could never love him the way he wants, or the way he deserves." James let no emotions hide when he talked about the blonde. He did miss their friendship a great deal, and he let it show by the tinge of sadness in his voice.

"Well," Logan finally managed to get out around the golf ball in his throat. "If you feel like you did the right thing, there's no shame in that. Leading him on would just hurt him more. But he shouldn't shield his emotions from you. He should be honest; if he's hurting, he's hurting." The brunette nodded at the ravenette's soothing words.

"I suppose you're right," he finally agreed, sighing. "I still feel shitty about this whole thing though."

…

Kendall only drank half a can of beer when he got home. That was cutting back a lot. He didn't feel like he was ready to give up his soothing friend just yet. Maybe in time he would though. He set the can aside and rolled off of his bed, his favorite spot to drink. It was private, and if anyone wanted to enter, they'd knock first. He could hide any evidence of his secret addiction. Katie and Mama Knight were due home any minute. He set a pot of stew to simmer on the stove before they got there. Starting dinner would assure him more time in his room because he such a good boy. Whenever she said that, something slowly died inside him. He was no good boy. He was a fucked up boy who hid everything he did with good deeds. He headed into the bathroom and took a swig of minty mouthwash to get the taste of beer out of his mouth.

"Kendall?" Kendall took a deep breath; facing Mama Knight got harder and harder every day. He hated when she was disappointed in him, and if she found out about his secret addiction, she would definitely be disappointed. "Thank you for making dinner." Shit. She was right outside the bathroom door. "I don't know what you're doing, but I'll take over dinner now." The blonde heard her footsteps echoing down the hall. He peeked out and watched as she rounded the corner to the kitchen. Making sure Katie was not in the hallway, he dashed across the hall and slammed the door to his room. He shoved the empty cans back under his bed. Trying to hide these was liking facing Mama Knight.

It just got harder and harder.

…

_Well what did you think of chapter two? R&R! _


End file.
